Happy Valentines Day Suckers

Let me come right out and say it. I hate Valentines Day. I find it to be the most irritating day of the year. Before you start thinking that this is just another bitter rant from a lonely but lovable loser, I should tell you as someone who is recently engaged I consider myself very lucky and extremely happy…except on Valentines Day.

There are several things about the “holiday” that I find irritating. For starters it’s not a real holiday at all, just some made up crap by retailers to get you to buy their merchandise. Oh sure they try to dig up some story about a priest who married Roman soldiers to their fair maidens despite the Emperor forbidding such action. Or was it a monk sentenced to death because he fell in love with the king’s daughter, blah, blah, blah. An awful lot of money is going down in the name of a saint on whom we have such a tenuous grasp.

The retailers are a big part of the problem. In addition to inventing this ridiculous holiday, they keep changing the rules. Now that the idiots are hooked they increase the vig like a crack addict loan shark. Flowers and chocolate? How pedestrian. Unless there’s a diamond or keys to a Mercedes in that heart shaped box you just don’t love her. The pusher wouldn’t be in business if we didn’t buy the hype.

However what I find most irritating about Valentine’s Day is when I hear someone say, “It’s the most romantic day of the year”. It is in fact the least romantic day of the year and I can prove it.

For a man, Valentines Day is a game of zeros and minuses. If he does not produce some token of affection on this particular day he has failed, a big fat minus sign on his forehead. I hope you like sleeping on the couch. If he produces flowers, purchased at special holiday rates, and takes her out to dinner, he has met his obligation and is allowed to sleep in his own bed.

“Good boy, you’re such a good boy, here’s your Scooby snack”

For a woman it is the delusion of security as measured against the spoils of her peers. Oh look, he bought you a stuffed piece of crap that says,”I wuff you” when you squeeze it. I guess that means he really does wuff you. But wait Suzy got diamond earrings. That bastard, stuffed piece of crap, he is so dead.

My point is, how romantic is a gift or a gesture when it is given out of obligation or fear of retaliation. And how romantic is a day filled with so many insincere presentations.

If, however, on any other random day of the year a man buys his lady flowers just because he knows it will brighten her day or brings her to a special dinner just to enjoy the time with her that is sincere affection.

So guys if you are out there right now buying some token crap that you would never think of buying if it were not February 14th you are true suckers.

And ladies, if you think that crap has any meaning, you are delusional.

Having said that, Happy Valentines Day.

dg